late in the night i ramble through my heart to find my mind

i felt as though i was going to explode with the excitement of her.  her encouragement and coaxing, her kind words sprinkled between the deepest of her desires.  she rouses in me something i have not shared in a long time.  and so i call her, listen to her trust and then hang up.

i climb on a bus, traverse a city i am only beginning to learn, and trust in her.  this is happening.  fun, easy and alive.  yet this is the beginning and it is easy to talk of trust and ease, confidence and faith.  it is after transgressions and betrayal that the heart turns and has a hard time not being right. i know that i have parts of my heart that i protect fiercely.  i cant open them and share them.  perhaps i never will.   but i would like to think that i am capable of examination.  of listening to my own rhythm and letting go of what keeps me tethered to the past.  forgiveness can crack the stone hurt of divulgences.

so why does my frustration mount as i read of the never ending carnage and defiance; the misunderstanding that is the world news.  i understand stoicism.  but some one has to be the first to give.  that is what trust is.  it scares the shit out of me and i have nothing to prove.  i have no army, no people, no land that i am defending.  if i did then perhaps i would be defiled by a greed to be right and insist upon standing still with out any forgiveness.   but right and wrong are subjective.  they are only perspective and perspective can change, should change.  growth, willingness to be new, is exciting and rewarding. being right is not rewarding.  the smirk of pride only lasts as long as your face can stare at itself in the mirror.  but trust comes with time, honor, and respect.  it comes with the way we make others feel about themselves.  trust is letting someone tell you their story and not gasping at the goriest of their insides.

   

folks die and kill and massacre because we hold onto our egos as protection from letting go in the enormous free fall that is trust and love.  it is somehow scarier to let go, to relinquish, than to stand ground and protect in the face of an army of anger and hatred.  i am scared of the excitement i felt last night.  i am scared of the dreams of my past that haunt me.  i am scared of the calm her voice creates in my heart.  but i am working to forgive those that have trampled my heart.  i wonder if we can work to make the battlefields, the tunnels of hatred and the temples of oppression relics of a time passed.  if we can give something to the future by forgiving.  

because with out forgiveness will we have a future?   

beginning an endeavor in discipline

 walking the streets as they become familiar, i imagine a face peering from behind a curtain in the tiny round window above the second story balcony.  she watches the town.  the river.  the canal, pass and shift under the clouds of the valley. water fowl call her name in moonlit reflections.   they honk and cackle, mimicking the rhythm of the river.  calling me to the shore,  lulling me to sleep.
i wake with the sun, breaking the dull blue grey of thunder clouds.  as the tea pot whistles i know she is already at her post.  the shadows of yellowed lace cover her identity.  there is no number next to the green wooden door.  i have stood at that door, set foot upon the granite step, but i have not put both my feet on the stone.
i think about the coldness of that stone as i pour milk into my tea.  i could feel the cold run up my leg, swirl in the bottom of my spine and energize my fingers.  a tingle of fear and excitement.
as i sip the warmth of my tea, i try to remember how i know it's a woman.  i have never seen her eyes, or her jaw line.  i cant conjure her face.  it's a shadow, cast over the entire town.
church bells sound in the wind and i tie my shoes and lock the door behind me.  i rest the keys in a hiding spot next to the meditation studio and duck into the morning.
caffeine ripens my body to awake and i watch the clouds dissipate and the suns fingers reach to the green of the hills.  blue grows as i carry myself to the end of her street. as i draw towards the brick way of her yard a clap of thunder bursts from the bright sky.  i stop at the unlatched door and peer in as lightening streaks the daylit sky.
rain tumbles to the earth.  clouds thick as steel colored velvet appear and the sun disappears instantaneously.  i am standing still in front of the open  door.  the black paint peeling from the weathered wood.  i see green. a massive jungle with blooms drinking the water from the sky.  i hear windows shutting against the rain.  but i see noone through the pains of glass.  there is no wind and the rain falls straight to the earth, soaking my hair, pooling in my shoes.  there is thunder above me and lightening, flashes of daylight illuminating the dark quilt of clouds that has hidden the sun.

dinner with an old friend

i drove into the hills in the late afternoon.

gray mist of rain cloaking the mountains beyond. and when i turned onto the dirt road the green of pastures a vivid distinction between earth and sky.

a moment of hello in the house.

into the garden. radishes bursting purple from the soil. cilantro in bloom inviting winged creatures to take care of the fruits and vegetables planted here.

we talked as we picked chard and radishes. stories of now and long ago. an ease lost amongst the distance of our friendship.

under the netting of the blueberries we ate more berries than we put in the plastic container.
we laughed and realized distance only makes the heart grow fonder.

holy fuck!!!

frustration and the internet are truly synonymous.
after much bullshit and rigamarole i am capable of posting here again.
damn.  you really got to want it bad.
it makes me feel as if i have no brain capacity at all.
but i figured it out.  i fell prey to the shenanigans and here i am.
writing for no one.  enjoy!

Recap. Synopsis. Window into life...

I have rhubarb tequila infusing in my pantry.  I have a yarrow waiting to be planted in the front garden.  I have dreams bigger than ever before and I have a hair appointment after I bust my ass at the gym.  I am planning on buying a seltzer maker this afternoon.  If I didn't know better one would think I had grown up.

not so good with passwords

because every damn thing requires one.
i just want to order a pair of shoes but i have to create an account and come up with a password.
then you change it cant remember the new one.  don't know the answer to your secret question.
who is my older brother?
god forbid if you changed your email account...
then you're fuct!
so...i struggle through with a variety of crutches and come up with a few variations and then....
i get hacked and my life turns upside down.
and really all i wanted was to buy a goddamn pair of shoes on line!

2 1/2

afraid and excited. been a hurricane on a sailboat and i still seem to be reeling.

one foot in front of the other. i laugh at everything. it hurts less that way.

a large pair of scissors to trim my heart and all its strings.

in their place i am growing flowers. buds swollen with a promise for me.