in my thoughts #iwishmybrotherleifwashere

he took his own life.  his death devastated so many and yet there is a miracle in his passing.  i felt love like i have never felt the day he died.  his body was cold and the cover of fog surrounded my yard, full of his people, my people, us.  we were all together, grounded and howling in grief.  grief takes all forms and we can pass all the judgement we want, but the most important thing to remember is to honor and respect the memory of love shared.  i think that is why it is so fucking painful.  because leif was able to share love with you in a way that made you feel like you were the only person on his mind.  he created friendship out of pure curiosity.  his heart was one of the most generous and alive that i have ever met.
i miss him every day.  i hate myself because i didn't help him in his sadness.  but i am thankful that in his death we found love and friendship that we will never let go of.   i love you leif!

i stole my morning

the kettle has yet to screech its announcement but i am anticipating the great pleasure of warmth the cup in my hands will bring.  this september morning's light ever so slightly different than august mornings. the chill i ward off with a scarf and hat, forever a true vermont grrl, layering.  there is a resolve to go to the beach, to stretch the summer to its limits.  but i am finding pleasure, perhaps even comfort in summers finality.

cooking green beans with moises

he tells me the water must taste of the sea

chopping onions

i will never forget our first kiss.  she ran down the stairs afterwards and all i could think of was her coming back up the stairs.  we fell in love.  it was love full of drunken dreams and misunderstood desires.  a love conjured on dance floors and porches.
the moment i knew i was in love with her was one afternoon, in my kitchen.  she had a towel over her shoulder.  she was dicing onions.  her knife was a blur and the perfect cubes of onion piled next to the steel flash of her blade.  i wanted to rip all of her clothes off.  the rhythm of the wuesthof hitting the wooden cutting board after it dissected the translucent flesh awoke something in me that i had never known before.  i walked to her side and smiled.  she turned to me and kissed my forehead.  she continue chopping as her lips touched me.
i always watched her chop onions.  i conjure her meticulous perfection when i dice onions.  i love onions.  they are the beginning of most every meal i cook.  and i am thankful that i have that memory of love to hold me when i chop onions.

today i slowed down

i have been moving at a reckless pace, self induced, and stuck in circumstance, two weeks ago i threw myself into a project of thrilling satisfaction and tear stained pots and pans.  since, i have not worked less than ten hours a day.  more shifts ended at hour thirteen.  the hood fan stopped working the sat night i cooked 86 covers.   i have been so exhausted, discombobulated and sore that i have not had time or energy to get out of bed early enough to make tea in the morning.

yesterday my college roommate came to visit.  she lives in colorado and wanted to put her feet in the atlantic.  the beach was roaring.  it was grey in so many ways.   a foam; alive and shivering across the beach lent animation to the deafening sound of the storm.  my friend and i danced in the waves and laughed down the beach.  we caught each other spinning and dreaming. 

amongst the ruins of buildings once grand as dreams my excitement seemed to coax the moon from behind the clouds.  it was huge in the sky.  i stood facing the moon, intoxicated by its enormous light, the strength of its pull holding the waves accountable as they crashed upon the shore.  it was magic.

today, we rambled through our morning, i practiced patience and longed to be alone. as the day turned into something other people owned i sat in the backseat, and ate an apple.  

we rocked hopped through the river bed.  splashing with excitement, to find three rocks.  we each sat.  

we were quiet.  still, watching and listening.  exploring our surroundings.  as i stretched my hands above my head i saw a velvety body at the edge of the water.   her ears were back and her lips were drinking.  we stopped.  all three of us stayed still and quiet.  we watched this lovely young deer and her two fawns drink and snack at the rivers edge for a long time.  they noticed us but were not alarmed and continued to walk up river and munch on blackberry's and drink the cool river.  

i stopped to watch these creatures.  my body was humming.  i was so calm, and happy.  

thank you earth, for giving me these past two days, to remind me of how terrifyingly gorgeous you are.  i have needed the perspective and respite.  i am thankful and blessed.