Monday, July 11, 2016

The Queen of Self-Doubt

Today something happened to me that has not happened in a long time.  I fell into the pit of self doubt.  We have all been in the pit of self doubt, you know it's that place where you second guess everything about yourself, physically, emotionally and professionally.  I used to live there; not understanding my own worth and behaving as if life could never catch up with me, pretending that I had my shit together.  But I cried myself to sleep, or through the dishes, or binge watched The Wire and Lip Service enough times to really see that I was in my own fucking way.  My journey out of the pit of despair has been long, 5 years or so.  A few relationships and jobs later I live in the middle of the country, with the love of my life.  I have climbed my way out of the pit of self doubt.  I live in constant practice.  Everyday I cultivate routine, self love, and gratitude.  It is hard work to love yourself, and today proved that despite all of my work, all of my mantras, and mindful breath work, and green vegetables, and positive loving support, I am really just on the precipice of that pit of self doubt.
It started with the burn of tears while the bank officer told me I didn't have all the right documents to open the account I needed.  By the time I was walking out of the bank my shoulders were shuddering.  As I buckled my seat belt tears were streaming down my cheeks from behind my sunglasses.  I got myself home, safely.  I called my girlfriend and cried.  After listening to her pep talk I still was sure that I had no qualification to start my own business, to help people, to become an authority on my subject.  The conversation with my girlfriend ended with me still in tears, claiming I can't do this!  When I got off the phone, I filled out the paperwork the bank officer required, submitted my application and continued on my day.  I got a lot of stuff done.  I made myself a healthy, well portioned dinner.  I ran a few errands.  I even did laundry.  So maybe I am not back into the pit of self doubt.  I just dangled my toes over the edge.  
In retrospect it was the perfect storm as so much of life's derailments are but at the time I was a sobbing mess.  Then I used my practice, my breath work, my loving supportive relationship to get me back on solid ground instead of falling to the bottom.  It's the little parts of a life in practice that I give thanks to.  The parts that hold me together and keep me moving forward despite the scary stuff.