Joburg, South Africa.

Lazy Tuesday afternoon in a foreign city.  My girlfriend naps and I am taken by how blessed and grateful and downright fucking lucky I am to have fallen in love with such a big hearted woman.  We have been traveling through this gorgeous country for two weeks seeing striking landscape, and sipping on creative endeavors that taste of the earth, wind and soil.  We have met laughing hearts full of spirit and generosity.   We have been awed by camouflaged creatures emerging from the bush at sunrise.   We have been blessed by friends and firelight.  But the most amazing of all is that I get to look into her eyes while I experience all of this.  I get to see her surprise and excitement.  Ease her fear and relish in her joy.  Her heart has made me at home.  I am forever thrilled and excited to be on a journey with her, my love.

A long overdue introduction

My name is Cathlin Star Walker.  I am an holistic health coach.  I help people manifest the best version of themselves.  I do this by listening to stories, learning how we care for ourselves and others.  I really enjoy making food, for my clients and those I love.  Grocery shopping totally jazzes me; I get to organize a menu, and a grocery list!  The produce aisle is my favorite.  I just can't get enough veggies, the darker the color the more of it I want on my plate.  Don't get me wrong the occasional pear almond tart makes it onto my plate too.  I believe in trying things, magic, the power of learning from our mistakes and listening.  And LOVE.  I believe in big love, hard love, the love that keeps the earth alive, love that is hard to see, brings tears to our eyes, and makes us remember that we are all here on this planet at the same fucking time.
So this space is dedicated to figuring out where all of these ideas intersect, how we can live our most authentic lives with respect to ourselves and others.  How we can move forward when paralyzation feels safer.  This space is about our journey, not the destination.  I appreciate your time,  and energy.  I hope you find some inspiration and insight here.  If you have any questions, let me know.  I am delighted to hear from you.

The Queen of Self-Doubt

Today something happened to me that has not happened in a long time.  I fell into the pit of self doubt.  We have all been in the pit of self doubt, you know it's that place where you second guess everything about yourself, physically, emotionally and professionally.  I used to live there; not understanding my own worth and behaving as if life could never catch up with me, pretending that I had my shit together.  But I cried myself to sleep, or through the dishes, or binge watched The Wire and Lip Service enough times to really see that I was in my own fucking way.  My journey out of the pit of despair has been long, 5 years or so.  A few relationships and jobs later I live in the middle of the country, with the love of my life.  I have climbed my way out of the pit of self doubt.  I live in constant practice.  Everyday I cultivate routine, self love, and gratitude.  It is hard work to love yourself, and today proved that despite all of my work, all of my mantras, and mindful breath work, and green vegetables, and positive loving support, I am really just on the precipice of that pit of self doubt.

It started with the burn of tears while the bank officer told me I didn't have all the right documents to open the account I needed.  By the time I was walking out of the bank my shoulders were shuddering.  As I buckled my seat belt tears were streaming down my cheeks from behind my sunglasses.  I got myself home, safely.  I called my girlfriend and cried.  After listening to her pep talk I still was sure that I had no qualification to start my own business, to help people, to become an authority on my subject.  The conversation with my girlfriend ended with me still in tears, claiming I can't do this!  When I got off the phone, I filled out the paperwork the bank officer required, submitted my application and continued on my day.  I got a lot of stuff done.  I made myself a healthy, well portioned dinner.  I ran a few errands.  I even did laundry.  So maybe I am not back into the pit of self doubt.  I just dangled my toes over the edge.  

In retrospect it was the perfect storm as so much of life's derailments are but at the time I was a sobbing mess.  Then I used my practice, my breath work, my loving supportive relationship to get me back on solid ground instead of falling to the bottom.  It's the little parts of a life in practice that I give thanks to.  The parts that hold me together and keep me moving forward despite the scary stuff.

She leaves tomorrow

Tomorrow at 2:30 my love gets on a plane and won't return for two months.
I am sad, confused, and excited.
I will miss her goofy antics, and the warmth of her morning snuggles.
I am looking forward to time alone to be productive and really launch some big work.
I'm excited for her adventure and to meet the woman who will come home to me.