2 1/2

afraid and excited. been a hurricane on a sailboat and i still seem to be reeling.

one foot in front of the other. i laugh at everything. it hurts less that way.

a large pair of scissors to trim my heart and all its strings.

in their place i am growing flowers. buds swollen with a promise for me.

I guess the lesson I am to learn for forty nine thousand times is that you got to go through the crazy to know what you know.

It is the swing of the pendulum that informs the center of gravity.

Confused

So....

Ever had one of those days when you thought you knew what you were getting into when you woke up and then the day just hits you from left field?

Almost like getting slapped in the face by a 18 wheeled truck.

My life seems to be like that a lot lately. I wake up ready to deal with what I have thought about before I fell asleep and then something else seems to arrive, bigger and more difficult.

I have the digits on my arm to remind myself that I can do it. I have two weeks under my belt to bolster my confidence, but it still seems that I trip a bit before I find my stride.

And then I read the book review and get depressed about the state of our nation. Hermits might have the right idea.

I am a believer in every thing we do has a consequence. Our actions are real and can have impact. We are responsible for ourselves on this planet and more importantly within this society. Our minds are needed, and our hearts are capable of compassion because the earth does not spin otherwise. Let us remember that. Even in the confusion of depression and barely getting by.

A lovely Sunday Afternoon

After work all morning,

I have Bessie Smith on, a cup of peppermint tea. Wash drying on the porch. And a canned peaches and green tomato salsa in the pantry.

I am feeling pretty relaxed. Salad for dinner, and the Book Review for dessert.

Day One

Here Goes!

Starting my Cleanse today. My liver is gonna be so happy. It deserves some tender loving care after all the hard work I put it through.

CLEANSE

oh yeah...

i haven't had a cigarette in five days!

How the Fuck is one to get up on it?

There is a great hip hop song in which it is cried "why do i need i.d. to get i.d.?

I have always loved that lyric. And today...after running errands and providing financial information to everyone who has asked; I am done with the bureaucratic beings that exist to torment me. If I had everything to give to make it all better I would. If I had the $ I would make the payment, and your fucking processing fee does not make it any easier to make the payment.

So let it rain and let my car be in the shop another week and I will make green tomato salsa and forget that the world is out there. Its better that way.

Grey Morning

I picked green tomatoes off the vine this morning with my hood on.

And jalapenos.

an argument for a slower pace

so i read in the times earlier this morning that the united states postal service is close to bankruptcy and is grasping at all straws to make payments and payroll and pension benefits.

so.

write a letter and mail it!

use the service.

wait for a week for information to travel.

think about what you have to say before you say it.

use a pen.

address an envelope.

say thank you to the person behind the counter as you mail your letter.

haunting my dreams

i fell asleep reading...

and i awoke hours later. reeling from dreams of her eyes, big and dark, smiling at me.

my cunt dripping for her. and she doesn't even know it yet.

pete rock all day!

making pesto with pine nuts... so luxurious.

in black lace underpants.

pussy wet.

and pesto....

daily routine?

times headlines

ten pound weights

nike training club

tea cup on the porch

email

blog

instagram

rice for breakfast and walk in the rain

write

eventually i will have to go to work

gay lit for a bedtime story

instrumental means no talking

a politically savvy persona is necessary to walk with my head held high. hard in this mess of an economy. tax payments and pissed off landlords. i try to make it all fit. move my furniture, rearrange my soul, plant a garden with a 4 year old.

all the while wondering what i will find in the dirt...

so i sit with a coffee and a plan in my brain that never quite reaches my feet. i dream of dancing in sand and loving with all of my heart. make things with my hands and come all over my bedspread.

it is easy to live a life full of everything. exhausted and full of contradictions i walk through the neighborhood late at night with my neck thrown back. my eyes searching for stars.

and then they ask me of the my ink. what does it mean. who are you?

it is mine and i don't have to answer. i watch the blue flicker of a tv screen through her windows and wonder what kind of lover she would be.

then i slip my hands over my thighs into my wet, waiting pussy and fall asleep to dream of accomplishment.

in the morning. the sun sneaks under the drawn shades and i listen to pete rock to make the day move.

a month goes by so quickly

hummingbirds-while i sit on my porch. coffee and soy milk. an armoir too big for my apartment and i am fighting the dept of revenue

a clean house

yesterday there was sweat drippin off my knees while i swept the kitchen floor.

all the laundry is put away. except for the socks that have lost their match.

how does that happen?

and the closet got organized. blankets folded and pillow cases riffled through.

a pile to go to the salvation army.

woke up in clean sheets.

thursday morning relaxed and quiet. watermelon for breakfast with pesto and bacon.

and now a friend on the porch with iced soy latte.

i love her

the fuzz on her cheek, the rhythm of her laugh.

the way we don't ever need to speak and yet we know.

i hate her with the other woman.

it makes my heart cringe. and yet i willfully listen to her stories of their life together.

i will sometime have stories of my own to share.

and then her heart will cringe.

a morning so innocent can fall asleep in the afternoon

groggy, craving the sunshine she missed.

fruit flies on the sweet fur of the peach in the kitchen catch her attention as she stands at the sink filling a watering can.

cilantro blossoms delicate, and a table cloth stained with the vigor of radish green filled mouths.

sit in the slant of evening.

waking her senses, enveloping the curve of her thigh.

the promise of dusk threatens a day with out productivity.

running in circles

is it self sabotage?

i fell and haven't gotten back up. i make my space and sit within its walls. shut in.

on the porch in the jungle of my creation.

and i love it. fight it. want it and push it away.

drive headlong into the traffic wanting the resistance of the metal on my skin to wake me up.

will my wings grow if i jump?

feathers sprout from my shoulder blades and lift me?

cause this crash, this stagnant puddle is murky and i want...

light and growth.

swim to the other side of the ocean and know i will make it.

that i belong in a school of fish.

silver and slippery.

that my jungle is there waiting for me to build it.

my empire real and solid.

prolific and masterful.

mine for the rest of the world.

I LOVE LABOR UNIONS!

february

the new year didn't phase me. and i lived through valentines day with out a hitch. i seem to be living life as though it doesn't have to go through a media filter. and so i am here. with the gift of renewal. i am two weeks dry. no alcohol. i feel great. but now apparent are the other ills of my ways. i am in need of cleaning up the rest of my life. a list of personal departments that need cleansing are food consumption, physical activity, fiscal responsibility, intellectual growth, and artistic inspiration. so... i am embarking on a mission. i am approaching every day as a new one. every day as if i have a blank slate to mar all on my own. i am going to set goals long term and short. i would really love to create a large piece of substantial writing. one that perhaps i can work on publishing if only locally. short term goals. staying sober. walking to work. going to sleep before midnight. watching tv only every other day. water no juice. plenty of tea and no coffee. at least two books a week. library materials returned on time and a plane ticket. perhaps even renew my passport. and start seeds inside for the garden which is still buried beneath the snow. new music. monthly playlists with work playlists interspersed.

a lot to do. but i want to cultivate motivation and i think that the beginning of my dry month has been tormented by my desire to sit on the couch and eat chocolate cake. not helpful to my mind body or soul.

so.... here i go

democracy calls

whenever i hear of protests in the streets of the world, people screaming for what they believe in, my heart excites. and then frustration sets in.

our nation, built upon voices of dissent, relishes some of the most lavish lifestyles in the world. with these lifestyles comes a false feeling of satiation. and i firmly believe that this sense of satiation is what leads us to placation. let our voices be heard. let the state of the union not fall on cynical ears. let the words of those in power call us to action. we are not being provided for. we are all struggling in ways to make our lives better. let those struggles unify us. call us to make change, serve our communities, and do what is best for us. so that we may have a future to give.

3:30

rays of sun hit the side of my palm as i hold my tea cup at the kitchen table.

the shadow of the Hoya is broken by the corner of the wall.

and out the window the trees shadows on the hillside mark the snow in rays of grays and purple.

my houseplants dream of warm water on their leaves and i, of the sun on my naked skin.

the warmth of my tea cup seems futile in my dream as i sit in the silence of the cold.

january so far...

i broke the fall up the cellar stairs with my ribs.

tucked under my right breast a bruise light green and severe emerges. it doesn't explain the pain.

and then the snow fall brings on shoveling. i can't shovel. it's too damn painful.