Friday, August 1, 2014

late in the night i ramble through my heart to find my mind

i felt as though i was going to explode with the excitement of her.  her encouragement and coaxing, her kind words sprinkled between the deepest of her desires.  she rouses in me something i have not shared in a long time.  and so i call her, listen to her trust and then hang up.
i climb on a bus, traverse a city i am only beginning to learn, and trust in her.  this is happening.  fun, easy and alive.  yet this is the beginning and it is easy to talk of trust and ease, confidence and faith.  it is after transgressions and betrayal that the heart turns and has a hard time not being right. i know that i have parts of my heart that i protect fiercely.  i cant open them and share them.  perhaps i never will.   but i would like to think that i am capable of examination.  of listening to my own rhythm and letting go of what keeps me tethered to the past.  forgiveness can crack the stone hurt of divulgences.

so why does my frustration mount as i read of the never ending carnage and defiance; the misunderstanding that is the world news.  i understand stoicism.  but some one has to be the first to give.  that is what trust is.  it scares the shit out of me and i have nothing to prove.  i have no army, no people, no land that i am defending.  if i did then perhaps i would be defiled by a greed to be right and insist upon standing still with out any forgiveness.   but right and wrong are subjective.  they are only perspective and perspective can change, should change.  growth, willingness to be new, is exciting and rewarding. being right is not rewarding.  the smirk of pride only lasts as long as your face can stare at itself in the mirror.  but trust comes with time, honor, and respect.  it comes with the way we make others feel about themselves.  trust is letting someone tell you their story and not gasping at the goriest of their insides.
folks die and kill and massacre because we hold onto our egos as protection from letting go in the enormous free fall that is trust and love.  it is somehow scarier to let go, to relinquish, than to stand ground and protect in the face of an army of anger and hatred.  i am scared of the excitement i felt last night.  i am scared of the dreams of my past that haunt me.  i am scared of the calm her voice creates in my heart.  but i am working to forgive those that have trampled my heart.  i wonder if we can work to make the battlefields, the tunnels of hatred and the temples of oppression relics of a time passed.  if we can give something to the future by forgiving.  
because with out forgiveness will we have a future?   

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